Everyday I learn something new about myself that I am not sure I should be sharing with the world. I come off as a total "b" with a hard heart and evil thoughts towards all men, but really I feel am one of the most understanding and kind hearted people out there, it is something that I know. I keep my emotions to myself a lot, and I always end up suffering.
When am angry, I don't show it, I find a little spot where no one can see me and I cry it out, when I'm really angry, I start seeing stars, and I want to lash out at the world but something always holds me back and I find myself counting and the stars go away, and am left with words "making party" in my head, telling me what exactly it is that I am feeling and the words just form themselves in my head and hold a conversation in my head. I picked this bad habit up from school, they told us to write our emotions when we are angry and they are fresh and just write out what we'd rather say to whoever is pissing us off, and then tear it up.
I lash out at people if they're in my face the moment the angry blood starts to rise in my veins, I lash out at people who tell me to calm down, I lash out at them because I really would love to be calm but they are not letting me be calm. I lash out at people when they yell at me or I'm trying to shut them up because I don't know how to react to whatever it is they are telling me.
Anger is not one of my demons, I don't think it is, I fear my anger but I don't think I have explored it fully.
I go through cycles of depression/melancholy. Events just add up and I just want to be whisked off to the stage, to dance and sing, so I play my showtunes and cry in the dark till I fall asleep *people can still not prove that I cry, but I do*. Today is one of those depression days, the day started off terribly, woke up at 5am! My hairdresser that was supposed to finish my hair since morning wasn't ready till 2pm and I had to leave by 5, the reason I spent so much on twists and two colors is for this fundraising thing that I am attending tomorrow or should I say later today, she was supposed to finish the hair but it is half done, she couldn't finish it on thursday which I didn't complain about, then today she didn't start till two, my hair is not done. I have to go to my event tomorrow and I literarily have to change outfits and tie my head, no pink dress for me, just some African attire, no two toned up-do as planned, just a scarf! And I didn't yell at her even though I am boiling with anger about the issue, I know it is not her fault, she had to finish someone else's million braids that she's been doing for a while, why didn't she re-schedule, beats me. And me whinning and crying wouldn't change the fact that she didn't finish my hair, she didn't sleep last night and was so tired as she did my hair and has to braid again tomorrow.....sure she made the mistake of double booking and my head is full and the worl is round but we walk on straight ground
Like that was not enough I contemplated going to her place after classes this evening, but I will not take the bus to Kipling, in the middle of the night, am sorry, people do it and they are used to it, but I triple lock my car in the west I will not ride the bus after dark in the west, so anyways I start calling those "friends" of mine and suddenly it hit me, I have never had to depend on other people, ever, because people always let you down and in the end all you have is yourself. Suddenly everyone was "busy", and I suddenly missed my car so bad. Like that wasn't bad enough, the day of my accident, I went to drop a girl at her house on the other side of town, I was half a block from my house when I saw her and her sister in the rain, I knew I should have just gone home, but NOOOO I had to drive them home rather than park the car and walk to Shoppers.
The accident happened, no call from the girl to find out if I got home safely, months later she attacks me online *yesterday* about her wrist watch that has been in my house for months. No hello how are you. And I speak and suddenly I have been pretending to be her friend all along and thats why she didn't bother to greet me. Uhm, I was so angry at the email, I just went to lie down while my head spinned. Is this not the same idiot that I have been there for all along, when she had to move I took her shopping, showed her places to buy things tried to help her plan her spending. But No o, apparently I've been a terrible friend pretending to like her. TA! Even when she and my sister would fight and she'd take it out on me, and people called her names and tried to say shyt about her, I have defended her "honour" and I have been pretending all along. I could go on with my history with this girl but you know God said not to expect anything when you give, but sha, God sees my hand, after my accident I decided God didn't want us to talk anymore, but now that I have been pretending to like her all along that I have gone out of my way for her time and time again, if I see her I'll definitely brush her because that is what I do, and the next time people talk about her, I won't correct their opinions of her, I'll just listen and nod and then other people will pass the story that they think they know and I'll never defend her honour again, because SHE IS NOT MY FRIEND.