Another One Bites The Dust
It happened again, this time it was so unexpected, I wasn't ready for it, but who is these days and I could say the occurrence is getting more rampant than anything else. And sometimes when I walk, I feel this eerie presence and I guess perhaps it might be time for me to seek help, but I can't, mustn't, will not unless of course "these" symtoms continue.
I still seat around recounting my last memories, the jokes and roast of her and I don't recall a "doll moment" all I see is happy smiles, laughs, silly little notelets, and I guess that is how I would like to be remembered when my time comes as the girl that was always bubbly and very jovial, full of life and just a blessing to be around. It hit me hard, perhaps maybe harder than I care to admit and for the first few days, I prayed it was a miscommunication, I prayed that it was someone else, and I just avoided everything that would lead me to "truth". But then truth came, and I tried to say it, but it wouldn't come off my tongue, it stayed in my head and I just started repeating it to myself, over and over….and it hasn't seem to totally stick. I think about it everytime, when am about to wash my face, when am about to close the door at night, its like the thought of her pulls me back tells me, its true, am gone…but ehhhhh.
Every song, every stupid joke, even the damn bloody free dailies I got remind me that its true, as we were created from dust, we shall all return to dust. I wasn't too close to her, but I grew up with her, from the days we walked home together, to running into her at my sister's school which later became my school, and going back to see her after school was over, and even spending time with her, its just surprising that I'll never get to see her again. Another woman down, a million of us to go, its like we're matching towards an unknown destination and at every unexpected point, another one of us is bound to fall.
When I go I hope my friends will all get drunk and sing green bottles standing on the wall…….
"and if 1 green bottle should accidentally fall, there'll be one less green bottle standing on the wall…"
RIP Babes, I'll miss you, and weddings will never be the same without you around.
And then I decided to take the subway home last night, I stood waiting for the train, wondering what death is like, why are we so afraid of it, why does it haunt us so much, am I being followed by death, is my time very near and I do not know it, the light of the train drew close, I saw the sign "stand back from the yellow line", the light stopped moving, it was a station short of reaching me, and I wondered how fast could the train go, why does it kill on impact, at what point do you die, when the train smashes you or after you hit the floor and the tracks makes art with your flesh and blood. Is it painful, how painful. If you die a painful death does your soul re-construct as it leaves your body. Is it possible to be alive yet dead at the same time.
The light started to move, my brain calculated faster. If I jumped to the other side of the platform just as the train is about to hit the station, will I make it, or will I fall under the tracks. If I lie flat under the tracks will it kill me, I heard the train…If I jump now, will I feel the pain, what else is there in life if every good person whom I have no memory of sadness is dead, maybe its my sign to go, to just do it.
Hey Jude starts playing on my mp3 player, the train was close now, I could see it moving slowly, my body, slowly moving towards the yellow light, me thinking "if it is an accident does that make it right"
Paul McCarthy sang: "And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain Don't carry the world upon your shoulders"
Sure I won't the world can take care of itself without me, and I will know what death is all about…and for a moment, I thought about jumping, the world went dark around me and I could feel "them" around me gently whispering, No, No, No, No, and on the other side…"just do it, you'll like it" and then Sir Paul sang to me: "You're waiting for someone to perform with" and that was the defining moment when I stopped and let the train go muttering "thank you".
Am not ready yet