Random Samplings of Delusions

Its August my friends and I still haven’t gone “summer shopping”, I am as shocked as the next Alamorin, but in all honesty the weather has not been a motivator. There’s this thing I do, I shop with the weather, you know when it starts to feel chilly and two sweaters won’t cut it anymore, I invest in a jacket, when my skirts make me feel cold I start wearing pants, when the pants feel a bit warm I buy skirts, but not this summer. This season we are in is spring coming out of the closet wanting acceptance, like gaddamn. I wore my skimpy skirt once and even then it felt chilly, and yet we say its summer, am at my desk with a pashmina around me because it’s cold, I’ve been wearing pants for the last two weeks, in AUGUST! JEEPERS. Last year, if I had worn pants in public, I’d have been publicly ice stoned for indecent dressing, and my thighs would be all sweaty in my pants but now, I’m wearing pants and it’s still chilly. And we have rain almost every day, I so want to pull my hair out…if someone comes up to you and they’re from the GTA and they say to you “This is one of the best summers ever, weather-wise”…listen (pronounced list-ing) carefully, ask them again “it’s the best summer, weather-wise?” IF they say “ABSOLUTELY” or “YES” ask them to sit on a really nice chair….get out your unwaxed dental floss, cut off a big piece, and with gentle force, attack the person in the chair and “strangulate” them, do it intricately and with love. (em, please don’t go about killing people o, it’s a bad thing, this is just for fictional purposes assuming all humans are cartoons).

A special shout out to my SPAM-A-LOT crew, I love them all, its been almost three months and we have managed to keep up the Wednesday tradition, I mean that is if we do not count last week’s em…”mistake” and I did say steak…

We are currently in the midst of a SPAM-A-LOT session, and the conversion is going in various directions and they’re bringing back memories like they always do. Remember the good old days when we did not have televisions in our hostels and the bunk beds were made of good old metal with strings that everyone felt would break, and everyone had mosquito nets even though no one used them…HAAAA. Anyways, in my day they had these narrators, they were the chicks with older brothers/sisters who had access to Nigerian home videos, Karishika, Domitila, Love Without Language, Daybreak, Yemi My Lover to name a few. And on those random Fridays when no one had “labour” or you’d cut your “potion” in advance (by the time I got to SS1, I was “allergic” to grass…) for me, I would lie on my bed and just listen to gist or go dump my clothes at Lolade’s while she washed “our clothes” and made a junior or two tell us a movie.
These narrators as I will refer to them were GOOD! They made the worst movies seem so good and you’d want to watch them when you got home, they had a way of capturing the writer’s intended emotions and they have what I’d like to call sugar coated tongues. I don’t know where they all are these days or what they might be doing to themselves but I hope that somewhere out there they use they are using their God given talents. Queen T was just saying how after watching the narrator’s version of “TI OLUWA N’ILE” (fantastic movie by the way with Baba Wande, Ayo Mogaji and a host of others I do not remember at the moment…a definite must watch) she started to see the real thing and she got bored and all she has to remember the movie by is the story she was told.
Oh, before I saw DOMITILA, I was told it was the best movie ever, my good friend Rose told me the whole story and I loved it, when I finally saw it, I wanted to spit, it was terrible compared to what Rose had said (then again for Rose, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree).
Speaking of Rose, I remember in JSS3 during one of our socials we re-enacted a comedy, I think it was “THE YEAR 2000” I don’t remember but I believe it was a series of short comedies, I had seen the commercial and looked forward to watching it, but over several days, Rose narrated the “movie” to me and I still remember the one with the guy trying to toast a woman and the woman told him that his mouth was smelling…. LOL. So he went home, took soap and water and started to wash his mouth, we re-enacted this particular comedy, I think the boy’s name was “Akpan” and as you guessed, Rose played that part and this girl was so in character, she actually took her sponge and soap and like scrubbed her teeth….She was barely a teenager at that time, now that was talent. It runs in her blood, and I think she might be suppressing it, but if anyone knows this Rose that I am referring to (LERATO), please tell her to run from me because when am done I intend to draft a nice little contract that binds all of her acting engagements to ME, which I shall carry until I find her and make her sign it (Don’t worry Rose I never leave my house without unwaxed dental floss these days…MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

I miss those days you know, when people were ingenius and we all lived our lives without inhibitions, I remember my time in cotonou with “Master” as we called him, he was the live in house master. Mr Okoro, am sure if he sees me today, we would talk till daybreak and still not have said Hello. As it were, I was the only one that could challenge Master’s authority. Mr Okoro and I go way back to the days of “Oral English” in JSS2 (it was English lesson that was imposed on us after Mrs Aninye’s departure from NIS). Anyways, when anyone was in trouble, I was always the one they’d call, Mr Okoro and I could argue it for hours, change topic, go back to it and I would not leave until my “defendant” was set free.
One time I forget what the girls did now, but Mr Okoro called them to kneel down by the balcony (I know…), so somehow word got to me, quickly I dropped my plate of delicious spaghetti nicely spiced (thank you Enny Folly…) and ran upstairs, as soon as Master heard I was upstairs, quickly he was out by the door with his bible on his lap…
I was like “Oh Sir its dinner time and I have to make sure these kids are getting their nutrients”. Then he told me what they did, and I told him why he shouldn’t punish them and we went on and on and on, for like almost 2 hours…At this time the kids were released and we were gisting about something else, but he didn’t realize it until it was time for night prayers….tehehehehehehe.
Mr Okoro! I remember when he used to force us to learn back when we were close to the stadium…I was in JSS2 then, he’d gather us JSS2s in the hostel and teach us on Saturdays while everyone else pretended to be washing their clothes. I was always the rebel and I always sat beside him, and Mr Okoro’s palms are cleaner than his feet, I mean you can eat from Mr Okoro’s feet before you’d allow him to put his washed hands in your raw rice. He was neat man, but that man’s feet NEVER touch the floor, or so he thought, so I had to pull a fast one on him, as he was teaching, me moved his foot from his left slipper and placed the foot on the right one, I went to walk, quickly I moved the slipper to behind his chair, as the poor guy decided to place his foot back in the slipper, it hit the floor. JACKPOT. Of course he couldn’t look anywhere but at me…unfortunately for him I had planned an exit strategy, I got everyone’s consent on the slipper movement and he couldn’t blame me because at the time when his foot touched the floor I was not seating right beside him….and in good faith could not have been able to move the slipper. Needless to say, we were punished, although I don’t remember how at this moment, because we never cut grass, we didn’t do our own laundry (did we?), now I remember I had to wash plates…YUCK!
I have so many memories now I could write about them all and I think I will, right after these commercials………………….

I am really starting to get ticked off by forwarded text messages, I love my friends totally and completely but forwarded text messages, please, let us stop it, if you must waste your unlimited text messages, text me to say how much you love and cherish my friendship, I ask for no more.